I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
