meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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