My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
