Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
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I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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