I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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