I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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