you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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