Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
