i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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