My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
