No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
