Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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