Please, let me fuck your mom
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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