he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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