I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
