i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
