I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I love having hate sex.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
