Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
