I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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