she looked like the before picture.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
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After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
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She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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