i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
