ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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