i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
