You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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