he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
