i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
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Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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