just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
