just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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