apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize