I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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