I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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