it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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