We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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