I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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