Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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