In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She's the barista slut.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize