so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
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The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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