my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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