I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
