Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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