Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
