You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
