its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
