please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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