So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
