My Higher Power is John Stamos
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
