Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
