My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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