Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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