i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
