Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
