i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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