Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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