I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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