oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
