i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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