True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
