Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
