I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
